My Eternity
by ENTRIKIT
Summary: I didn’t mean to do it. I loved her like the world, I truly, truly did. But in the end, it was just too much. Yurikku, oneshot.


Starting Phrase: "I didn't mean to do it. I loved her like the world."

Start Date: 3/31/07

End Date: 4/2/07

Satisfaction: Fully and completely love it. It's one of the stories that I wish I could write all the time.

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Title: My Eternity

Pairing: Yuna x Rikku, Yuna x Tidus, Rikku x Gippal (lotsa pairs. o.o)

Summary: I didn't mean to do it. I loved her like the world, I truly, truly did. But in the end, it was just too much. Yurikku, oneshot.

Inspiration: Loves Me Not (Tatu), 30 Minutes (Tatu), All The Things She Said (Tatu), Not Gonna Get Us (Tatu) am I sensing a pattern?

Disclaimer: Standard stuff applies.

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Author's Note: I wanted to try a Yurikku that's a bit different than others. Here goes. Please, please review this one; it's my newest favorite.

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I didn't mean to do it. I loved her like the world, I truly, truly did. And I guess you can say I still do, but in a different way now than before.

He was something new. I don't have a clue why I wanted to try being on that side of the fence, as Yunie called it. But maybe the grass always seems greener on the other side. But - well, I went over there, and it's different. A different shade of green maybe. But it's nothing better or worse, it's just new.

It wasn't planned, that I know, and that makes me feel a little better. I'm assuming she didn't like it either way, but she tried it out first and I let her be. So when I followed suit she couldn't really say anything.

It was a bit awkward at first, because it was always so… normal with her. But he didn't understand it.

I don't blame him exactly. I guess I'm kind of giving him the benefit of the doubt. But why would he be blamed, anyway? He never knew about Yunie, for the most part.

I didn't know there could even be anything between Yunie and I, not for the longest time. It wasn't enough, the way we were living before – but I blamed it on Sin and the pilgrimage. Then I blamed it on Tidus whole-heartedly.

That was before I found my experiment – I can't think of him as anything more now. I wish I could. The memory of his hands is a lovely one. But if he showed up now, it wouldn't be enough for me just for him to pop up out of nowhere. Yunie and I have a history. Gippal and I don't, to put it plainly.

It's kind of hard to explain, I guess. I mean, having Yuna be my blood relative is weird. But we completely understand each other. All through the pilgrimage I could tell what she was thinking and I tried to set them up – because he could make her happy if I couldn't. But that night when they came back to camp hand in hand something in me snapped.

I went back to my spot by the fire slowly, kicking over my empty food dish. She came and sat beside me, not saying a word, not touching me. I would've tried to hurt her if she attempted laying a hand on me anyway. But she could feel my jealousy and confusion – and I could tell she'd liked it. She wanted to continue with the way things were; she wanted us two blondes to share her.

I don't do 'share'.

But that was then. And I let them be for the longest time. But when he was gone, a light went out of her. So I went to comfort her and though it went farther than I intended, it was the best thing that'd ever happened to me. It was really slow and awkward, her leaning toward me. I went too fast and slammed into her nose – that wasn't the good part.

Moving on was the hard part for Yunie. She missed him so badly, and I don't blame her that much. My jealousy had faded eventually. It took a while, but it did fade.

So with my experience, I could tell she was jealous when I started sneaking around with Gippal. And he was another blonde, so he reminded her of Tidus. But I tried to push him away, and he left for the Crimson Squad. That way Yunie had me again.

Gippal and I never got very far, anyway. But once he met me again and made the remark on being 'quite the couple', I could see it grated on her nerves (especially when he got a little too close to her). So I tried to stay as far away from him as possible but he kept showing up because of Vegnagun.

Once we finally beat that giant machina's sorry ass, he left again. But Yunie could have died when Tidus came back, and I saw how much she'd really missed him. And it hurt.

I admit, it hurt. A lot. But that's how I got insight, I guess. Maybe wisdom comes with pain or something – in that case, I don't want wisdom.

Sometimes it helps.

Sometimes it doesn't.

I'm just… confused. And I thought I had it all worked out, but I don't.

- - - -

So he left. He did. I knew it.

But I was stuck on him, and every day she'd tell me what she felt by a simple touch on the shoulder, a spare glance, or a small and sad smile. She felt horrible that I was so devastated, but she was in a bit of a serves-you-right mood because he'd taken me from her. I felt bad that I was paying her almost no attention.

Then we moved on to lingering looks, and that led to long nights with tequila. (Brother was completely right; one tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.) That went even farther, but those details are between us. I can't even think them unless she's in the room or we're… well, reenacting.

Being with Tidus and being with Rikku are completely different experiences. It's like seeing a horror movie and a romantic comedy in the same day, in the same theatre. It doesn't work together.

But I wouldn't have had it any other way, I guess. I loved Tidus with all my heart, and turning around to see Rikku happily waving him off broke me down. She should have hated him – I certainly would end up despising Gippal – but instead she waved goodbye cheerily and even wiped away a tear. I knew then they both held spots in my heart.

Once we got anywhere with a relationship, it wasn't quite hidden from my former guardians, but it wasn't spoken out loud. It was a bit like the fact that my mission was supposed to be suicide – he didn't even know until almost halfway to my doom.

He saved me. He did, and I'll always love him for that. But Rikku – once she found out how pigheadedly stubborn I was about the pilgrimage – stood by me and stopped trying to kidnap me. She knew I felt a duty and she let me go even though she would miss me.

I never knew how much. I knew how I felt about her, but her returning feelings weren't quite clear. It seemed like a cousin's love for a cousin, but I know now how wrong I was. And I also know I should've come out in the open before we went to fight Sin; we could have been so much more.

It's a bit sad. At the same time, I'd say it's a happy story. We found each other when Tidus left.

Well, I take away the happy. She found Gippal.

I found out just how horrible she'd felt, seeing me and Tidus, when she went off with Gippal. I know they never could get as close as we were, and that he'd never take my place. But it just hurt to know where she was going without me when she got dressed up.

Paine knew. She didn't question it either. She didn't know the whole truth about us being… us, but as far as she knew Rikku just had a date.

I always shuddered when she'd leave. I felt another weight hold me down.

And once he helped us defeat Vegnagun – keeping a cocky smile the whole time, even when he was down and out – I could see why she liked him. A little. I wouldn't say she loved him. She probably would, but I'm positive she doesn't still love him, if she ever did.

We left Vegnagun a heap of metal, and I got Tidus back. But it wasn't the same. It'd been so long, and he'd missed so much. He wanted to help me – he really did. I could see that.

I'll always love him. But the love is different now; it's nothing you can describe. He'll always be close to me and yet so very far. He was gone for two whole years when she was there with me.

I didn't send him away, exactly. I went into his room in Lulu's hut and he was just… gone. Spick and span, though, and a note was left on the dresser as if he knew I'd look for him.

_Yuna,_

_I'm sorry. Don't hate me for it._

_Good luck with Rikku. And I'll be in Luca, trying to get a blitz career if I can. I've got a commsphere now, so feel free to call._

_No, don't ask for a number; I have no idea what it is. Ask Lulu._

_I never did reply to you on the airship before I… left. I love you, too._

_I'll miss you. But this is what will make you happy, so I can live with that._

_Tidus._

That might have killed me at one time. In a way, it did (hence the changed kind of love). But he knew me too well and it's okay that he went his own way. Lulu gave me his commsphere number, so I put it under my pillow, hidden in the back of Rikku's picture frame.

But what Rikku did, not knowing Tidus left, would be what really could have killed me.

- - - -

I couldn't stand it. He came back and I welcomed it – I waved – because even if Yunie said she was fine with just having me again, something was missing from her. She hid it really well, almost well enough that I didn't notice. But I've known my cousin since I was a toddler. I found out eventually.

I was in a bit of shock, I guess. She had him back, and I'd pushed Gippal away, and I had nobody left. Oh, there were people who would have welcomed me – I was famous as Yuna now that I'd helped beat Vegnagun. But nobody could come close to her.

And nobody ever could.

That's why I ended up shooting myself.

It's not the fact that I did it that I hate most. It's that I succeeded. And that I got my way when there was no need for it, when she could have come back to me, when Tidus had already left.

I'm in the farplane now. And if you stare hard enough at the waterfall you can see the people who are visiting their loved ones. I saw Wakka looking for Chappu again, and Lulu said a few words to him too – she showed him Vidina – but they weren't who I looked for.

Now I see Paine, wandering in. And she's pulling a reluctant someone by the hand.

Even though I'm dead, I can't breathe. Is it – no. It's Gippal. I could cry if I had any tears.

He's picturing me, and I'm sinking through the waterfall. I've been sucked into his side of the farplane. And I stand like a statue looking at him, because he's not crying. He doesn't even look that sorry.

Paine's shaking her head at him and she shoves him out. She turns back around and I can tell she doesn't like this place. But she looks at me and smiles softly. I can see her eyes glitter, and I know that she's not as tough as she thinks she is. But that's okay. I try to smile back and her eyes widen as if she saw something, but she shakes her head and walks away.

The spirits they see when they come to the farplane have no emotion. We're not supposed to do anything, but that's why it's not heaven here. You aren't allowed to smile or cry or kick and scream at whoever comes to see you.

At least they come.

I fall backwards through the falls again with a sigh. I glance around at everyone else being sucked through or taken back – nobody I know is here. I take it back; Jecht is over there, crushing a flower beneath his heel. It's not like he can actually expect Tidus to come. I know Tidus loved him deep down, but the hate is too strong.

It's a little while before I feel the tugging again. I feel myself start to hope and I try to crush it. But this time I'm not tugged toward the waterfalls. The feeling is leading me toward the flower fields way over to my right, and I can't imagine who still knows about the entrance through Bevelle.

Unless –

I'm already flying toward her, and tears start to leak from my eyes.

No, this can't be right; I'm dead. Dead can't cry.

Just as I think that, they vanish; the tearstains are whispers on my face before they fade completely.

So maybe it's the believing that keeps us obedient of the fayth. They rule this dead kingdom; what's left of them, anyway.

But there's a small popping noise and I'm standing behind her. She's glancing around, remembering the Shuyin episode that scared her so badly down here. And I reach out, but my arm passes through her.

You can see me, I silently will. You can see me and I'll be able to show you that everything's not great, but it's okay.

I could die – the irony! – as she actually gasps. To her, a floating hand is most likely reaching through her shoulder.

She spins slowly around and her mouth turns to an 'o'. I grin like an idiot and feel more not-quite-there tears form behind my eyelids. Hers are already falling.

She collapses in a heap and I kneel down, trying to pull hair behind her ear. I can't. But she touches her cheek gently as if she'd felt me touch her.

And suddenly I am semi-solid, then fully solid as I kneel in front of her. She's sobbing with heaving shoulders and hasn't seen the transformation.

The glowing pyreflies erupt from both our bodies. She shudders and looks up – at my fully formed, semi-alive face.

I cling to her and shake, both of us barely keeping our hands from wandering. It's been six months since my suicide and it seems like a dream to have each other in sight.

I can't talk to her because even though they've made me solid, the fayth aren't that generous. They still don't trust all of us spirits.

Yunie – my Yunie – is talking too fast to hear everything. She slows down a little bit and I can barely make out, "OhRikkuI'msosorryforwhateverIdidtomakeyoudothattoyouselfImissyousobadlyandIcan'tstanditanymorepleasepleasecomeback. Noyoucan'tyou'realreadygonebutit'ssohardtothinkaboutyouandI'mtryingtokeeptogetherforeveryonebutIcan'tbelievethis–"

I raise my finger and press it to her lips. She stops, startled, and looks at me again. I'm fading.

I mouth the words, "I love you Yunie," but she can't see me anymore. And I'm already flying backward, back to our part of the farplane.

I can see her in the distance, sobbing again. She says something but I'm too far away. Then I watch as she stands, turns, and walks out – of the farplane, of my sight, of my eternity.

I know in that moment that she won't be visiting me again, no matter what anyone else says to her. It would hurt too much.

And I forgive her for that. Because I still love her. I'll love her for eternity.

I smile, just a bit, when I think about her again. It's a wonderful feeling. Thinking of her makes this my nirvana, whether or not she's here.


End file.
